Welcome to Part two of our Eight Dates series where we undergo John and Julie Gottmans relationship test to help us strengthen our relationship.
Haven’t read Pt 1 of our Eight Dates, head over there by clicking here!
The Cost of Love: Work & Money
This date was supposed to cost us little to nothing to plan. Seb organised the date to visit Tate Modern. The Tate is one of the largest museums of modern and contemporary art.
Work and Money two of the biggest causes for breakups therefor need to be something that should be constantly talked about openly.
Seb:
Money at this stage of our relationship does not have a very big role in our relationship. What I mean by that is that it is not something that particularly causes us a lot of stress, nor does it offer us unlimited possibilities. We took a few steps very early on to manage the expectations about money and how we deal with costs and expenses in our relationship (that I will write about separately) and since then, it has not often come up.
I know that Aimee and I have quite different views on money which mainly stems from what we value. We have quite similar life goals for the long term but our relationship with money differs in the short term. The biggest example of this is that I am very happy to buy quality over quantity, in that I will propose that we buy the £500 espresso machine (and its honestly the best check it out here) that I know we will use everyday than buying a coffee every morning. I knew this going into the date and was interested to see what else would happen to come up.
The questions from the date itself try to dig into our past and upbringing to talk about what influences we may have had that have shaped our relationship with money. It is also interesting to hear also what having money means to the other person. Hearing what role money has had in a person childhood can help to uncover why they either feel that money is a source a power, or a tool to freedom.
Aimee:
This was a date that I really went into knowing this was something that we have very differing ideas on. We aren’t crazy opposites of the spectrum in terms of how we would like to live in regards to work and money more in the fact that of the value in which we put on the both.
The interesting part of this date was that it really went back and looked at your upbringing surrounding money. Its so interesting that we both came from up bringing where money was rarely talked about. Its as if our families possibly believed they were protecting us or felt this was a burden we didn’t need to understand at a younger age. This was a big ah ha! moment for us in terms of a habit we want to break in the future.
Forcing us to also plan dates that cost little to no money was also a great thing for us. I think something you get swept away into thinking date nights need to be fancy and cost a lot of money however its all the little things than can also add value to your relationship.
Date 5 – Family
This date was very relaxing, quite the opposite of what you would picture when you think about having a date with the theme of family. A very important part of all the date is that at the start of the summary it reminds you both to come in to each date with an open mind. For this date it also has a reminder to not be critical or criticise your partner which is such an important point. As we always try to remember it is not you against them it is you both against the problem!
Seb:
It did not take long into our relationship for me to learn that our views and values on family are very different. Aimee comes from a very large family with many aunts, uncles, siblings, step siblings and cousins. And she is very close with most of them. I on the other hand come from a very small tight nit immigrant family where we do not keep as close contact with each other. Naturally, this has a very large impact on our values of family and how we each see our future family life look like.
The other really interesting part of our story in our relationship is that we will have dated for well over 2 years and we have not met each others families. Having met in England away from both of our home towns, we have not had the opportunity to visit and see them. For something that is such a high value in Aimee’s life, it is very difficult to only get the opportunity to properly explore that and test that aspect of the relationship after such a long period of time. It will be a real test of our relationship if for some unlikely reason that does not go the way that we thought it would.
The other tough topic that this brought up is that of our future family and how we each think that will look like. I feel that kids and family can be an easy thing to gloss over in the early stages of relationships but can easily be something that can be a deal breaker for some if views are not aligned. Thankfully, we generally feel the same way about what we want out of our potential future families. Our biggest friction point is “where” we are going to eventually set up our family. Which honestly is a pretty privileged problem to have.
Aimee:
This date couldn’t have come at a better time for us. Currently we are stuck in limbo and this date bought up some really big questions which we need to answer as a couple.
The topic of family is a big one for us as I still am not completely sure where I sit in terms of having a family but also my family is a massive part of my life. As a very practical person and also working as a Nanny I know the sacrifice that having a family brings (as well as the obvious joy) to your lifestyle.
As we have also been living overseas for the whole of our relationship neither of us have met the others partners family. I feel that this is also a massive milestone that we have to eventually overcome and as this means a lot to me it will be a big test to our relationship.
The date created a massive question mark around a lot of things for us and there’s still a lot of things that we definitely need to come back to. I would love to have this date again in 6 months time and see how things have progressed for us!
Date 6 – Fun and Adventure
This date as the name states was an enjoyable time!
We took ourselves to a local crazy golf and bar which was something as a couple we haven’t done before. It really bought out the competitive nature in the both of us while being able to have a good laugh at ourselves.
Seb:
Being a date that focuses on Fun and Adventure, this was definitely one of the dates that discusses the most light hearted and easier topics. We are very fortunate in our likes and dislikes that our sense of adventure is very aligned. The date lists out a large number of prompts on possible things that couples may enjoy to do together and we had to read through them and select the ones that you would like to do with your partner. It was no surprise that we chose similar things from the list.
One of the biggest ways that we like to have fun and adventure that is a very high value for both of us is travelling. About 3-4 months before Aimee and I started officially dating each other, we went for a weekend trip to Budapest. Travelling with friends can be a challenge if you have different interests or priorities for what you want to experience when in a new city. The fact that it was such an easy time and experience payed one of the foundations that we would later build on and decide that we would date.
This date very much had a large focus on what role travel plays in our life, how it effects us currently and especially over the coming years as we look into the future.
Aimee:
This date was super interesting as it not only looked into what play and adventure means to us now but also what play and adventure meant to us as children. We both love looking into our deeper subconscious and it is something that all these dates bought to the forefront.
We both love the fun and adventure that we get from travelling, I feel that is why we both are always eager to get away so much. It really gives us both that excitement and that change of scenery.
Interestingly though, when it comes to planning date nights we usually tend to go for a date where we are able to talk over dinner and drinks or while on a walk rather than something more adventurous.
Date 7 – Growth and Spirituality
For this date it requires you to go somewhere that feels beautiful and sacred to both of you. Since we aren’t religious the only obvious place was one that we do visit religiously on a Sunday which is our local coffee shop. Conveniently they have an old church pew in the back so it make the date feel slightly more authentic.
The date also asked you to create a tribute to honour your partner. As we didn’t plan too far in advance for this date we didn’t have time to put a lot together so we decided to bring 5 of the polaroid which we have at home to look back over our relationship.
Heres a sneak peak into some of our questions and answers:
YOUR RITUALS OF CONNECTION
- We see eye to eye about rituals for family dinnertime in our home. 🐢 True 🦦/ False
- Holiday meals (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover) are very special and happy times for us (or we both hate them). 🐢True / False 🦦
- End-of-the-workday reunions in our home are generally special times. True 🦦/ False🐢
- We see eye to eye about the role of TV in our home. 🐢True 🦦 / False
- Bedtime is generally a good time for being close. 🐢True 🦦/ False
- During the weekends we do things that we enjoy and value, both together and separately. 🐢True 🦦/ False
- We have similar intentions and desires about entertaining in our home (having friends over, parties, and so on). 🐢True 🦦 / False
- We both value, or both dislike, special celebrations (like birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions). 🐢True / False🦦
- When I get sick, I feel taken care of and loved by my partner. 🐢🐢True 🦦/ False
- I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do together. 🐢True 🦦/ False
- Spending our morning time together is special to us. 🐢True 🦦/ False
- When we do errands together, we generally have a good time. 🐢True 🦦/ False
- We have unique and specific ways of becoming renewed and refreshed together when we are burned out or fatigued. True / False🦦🐢
🦦 = Seb
🐢 = Aimee
Aimee:
This date was great as it was so low key!
In saying that I feel like this date bought up a lot of the issues that we currently have going on in our relationship. It allowed us to talk through some of the things we are currently feeling without leaving them until the heat of the moment (which I feel like is a strength of ours). This date also pointed out some areas that we may need to work on. However growing and learning together has become a big part of both our lives as well as our relationship.
Date 8 – Dreams
For our dreams date we took ourselves to a place that inspires us while also spending time away from the city. It gave us time to connect and dream of our future together.
Aimee:
This date couldn’t have come at a better time for us!
Currently as a couple we had been asking ourselves a lot, what do we want to do with our lives? Where do we want to be living? Where to next? This has really been taking up a lot of brain capacity and also a lot of space in our relationship.
Heading to Whitstable on this date really got us out of our comfort zone and allowed the creativity to really begin to flow in terms of what we want. The lifestyle we want, being able to live near the beach, spend the morning together going to the coffee shop really spoke to us on this date.
If you’re looking for a guide on Whitstable make sure to check out Our Whitstable Guide here!
The open-ended questions from this date really allowed us to communicate our dreams we had from childhood and why we ultimately chose the path to this life instead. It also really allowed us to look into our families dreams and realise how our parents did or did not for fill their own dreams.
Another thing this date really highlight was that you were to “Don’t immediately jump into practicalities until you fully understand the dream” which is something in life and our relationship that I always do. I constantly need the practicalities of the what how and I need to think three steps ahead of everything as well as trouble shoot for problems that may or may not occur. It was really interesting that this was something written in the notes. I feel like in most relationships you get those polar opposites of the person and its what creates balance in our relationship.
I can’t wait to see what the next 6 months bring us with so much change and watching us really evolve and strive towards our personal and relationship dreams.
Seb:
We often find ourselves talking about our future, like I am sure that most couples do. It can be a really inspiring (but also frightening) thing to talk about how you see yourself and your relationship 1 year, 5 years or 10 years in the future. Then, how you tie your own personal dreams with those of your partner and those of the relationship is a challenging feat. We find ourselves talking about the future but we had never really spoke about our individual dreams.
Taking this date out of London to one of our favourite little getaways, Whitstable, was the pefect location of this date. It was the ideal location as this is a place that had come up in our discussions of possible future relocations, and was an inspiring place that we looked to.
So….What did we think of Eight Dates?
We absolutely recommend giving Eight Dates a go! It would be something that we would love to do regular to keep in touch with each other and make sure that we are moving in the same direction together. It is also a great way to have dates planned for you as we struggle somethings to come up with new ideas or themes to surround dates with. Eight Dates also allows both partners to be responsible for dates which is how any relationship should work. It is recommended that you can use these Eight Dates more than once as a check in as you grow and change throughout your relationship.
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1 Comment
Hello from Aus!! Enjoyed reading this guys☺️ Xxx