So what is Eight Dates you ask? How will it help my relationship?
For the last 40 years John and Julie Gottman have been observing, researching and reporting on what makes a successful relationship. Using their Love Lab they have interviewed thousands of couples and can confidently determine which couples master their relationships and which ones will become part of the statistics of the ever increasing divorce rates.
Eight Dates was created to allow couples to go through the eight essential conversations which they may need to have. This can be done either at the beginning of their relationship or to come back to later on to create a stronger, more successful relationship. Eight Dates allows you to get into the inner world of your partner allowing you both of learn and grow together.
Before starting Eight Dates we already had a rule in our relationship where we adopted the 2x2x2 rule (which we learnt from the Date Forever podcast). This rules is that we actively ensure that we have two date nights a month, a weekend away every 2 months and then every two years a major holiday.
We make a point of prioritising our relationship with the date nights twice month as we found when we don’t do this, we notice a shift in our spark/relationship. It takes work to make a relationship and we feel that we should continually invest in each other. Eight Dates meant that we would be able to invest in each other with slightly more intimate and insightful dates, it also meant that all our dates were planned and coordinated for us with little or no effort.
How do I start Eight Dates?
Eight Dates is framework designed around a series of dates that you and your partner embark on together to strengthen and form a deeper connection between you in your relationship. As you go through the dates and read the specific chapter related to the upcoming topic you get insight into the role these topics play in your relationship. The book then gives you a series of open ended questions for you to ask eachother on the date to fully connect with eachother on the given topic.
The best part about this book is that it gives you practical ideas for where and how to do each particular date. It also gives you ideas for it you are on a budget or can’t get childcare and decide to do that particular date at home.
We are yet to complete all of the dates however once we do we will post about all of them individual and how we thought it impacted our relationship.
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The dates are as follows:
Date 1: Trust & Commitment
Date 2: Addressing conflict
Date 3: Sex & Intimacy
Date 4: Work & Money
Date 5: Family
Date 6: Fun & Adventure
Date 7: Growth & Spirituality
Date 8: Dreams
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Date 1 – Conflict
Lean on Me: Trust & Commitment
When you get into a relationship everyday you get up you commit to that person sharing the other half of the bed to you. But somewhere in between our busy lives and grunting hello to each other the level of commitment and how we commit changes. The way in which we show up and commit to our relationships changes over time, this is how some relationships start to break the trust between the two people.
“In a Committed Relationship, you will both stop the world to try to understand and ease each others pain”
John & Julie Gottman
Aimee:
This first date took you through an exercise to understand “How much do you actually cherish your partner?”. This was a really interesting exercise to show you how you are showing up in your relationship. I planned this weeks date which suggested a location that had a great view. Unfortunately all the places with a great view were outside which in February in London was not a great idea. Luckily I found somewhere inside and thank goodness because when it came to date night it was torrential rain and storms. After rearranging the furniture at the bar to be able to sit next each other instead of across from one another we went through the questions.
I absolutely love having questions for a date night. In the beginning of our relationship when we were working on our communication we would bring a list of topics/questions to a date night so were about to work through particular issues. It was an interesting date not because we thought this was an area we needed to improve on but we were able to dive deeper into each others thought process behind trust. It was also a really nice date to get dressed up and go out for nice drinks, pity about the weather to get home though.
Seb:
It is very fitting that the first out of the eight dates that the Gottman book sets out is focused on ‘Trust’. Trust is truely the cornerstone of any relationship and it manifests itself in a number of ways. Going into this date, Aimee and I were already in a very strong position in relation to trust in our relationship. We have built up a strong foundation in this area and this had already proved to show its worth.
Whilst we have managed to build the trust in our relationship organically so far, it was interesting to be able to dive deeper into where we each developed this trust from, talking about our upbringing, parental influences and past relationships. Understanding that we are two individuals that have come together to form a relationship, we each bring a unique perspective, different childhood experiences, different influences, views and values. Whilst we obviously align in a lot of areas of life, we also vary in just as many. Trust comes into play in so many areas of the relationship and is impacted by everything that we have experienced before.
One of the most powerful instances that I have noticed that Trust manifests in our relationships and that which has had the most impact is in relation to our conflicts (Which I will dive deeper in the next post as this is the topic of Date 2). At the beginning of our relationship, we were both quite horrible in communicating our thoughts, feelings and issues that we were encountering during our relationship. We would be nervous to bring things up or not know how voice our thoughts. What I noticed as time passed, is that as the trust in our relationship grew, so did our ability to bring up and resolve conflict. We would trust each other that we could voice whatever thoughts or feelings that we had without a fear of the other partner retaliating, without being judged and that we would be listened to. This has become so powerful as over time, our conflicts are not something that we avoid or shy away from, because of this trust that has been built, our conflicts are productive in resolving our differences and understanding each other better. I can’t wait to dive into this deeper in the next post..
Date 2 – Conflict
Agree To Disagree: Addressing Conflict
Conflict defined as a serious disagreement or argument; clash. Conflict in a relationship is something that most feel they need to avoid, however what if we begin to see conflict not as something that needs to be won but a way in which we can understand the other persons perspective.
In preparation for this date asks you to go through their list of 25 questions/topics and pick the 3 that have the most emotional charge attached to them. We deviated from this in that we actually went through all 25 on our date. There were plenty where we saw eye to eye so there was not much to discuss or we had already talked about and knew each others position. There were some topics that were not easy to go over
For our second Date we made the most out of a rare sunny winters day and went for a walk through Greenwich Park in London’s west.
Seb:
A key defining factor if a couple is going to stay together or not is whether or not at the end of an argument the relationship heals to 99% or to 101%.
The evolution in Aimee’s and mine relationship has happened slowly but organically, especially around how we handle conflict. I have had long relationships in the past that were for the most part, thriving, without any sort of conflict present. At the time, I wore that as a badge of honour. Seeing some of the other relationships that were around us and the arguments that they might get into to. But not us.
I see now that this is a distorted view. Conflict in a relationship is given, constructive conflict is a necessity. If there is no conflict at all, then at some time, one or both of you is compromising without the other person knowing. This can likely evolve into resentment which is a toxic place that is difficult to come back from.
One of the most revolutionary is things that I noticed in our relationship was the evolution into how we have managed to reach a place where we could freely bring up conflict items. This is only come about through a high level of trust (which aptly enough is Date 1). Trust in the relationship though manifests through time. The trust that we developed though was that we could bring up things that either annoy us or don’t align with our values. We had a space where we could bring up things and know that our partner would not snap, not bite our head off or without any backlash. That they would listen and try to understand and talk through the problem so that we could reach a solution
The funny thing about relationships is that 2 people come together who although connect in many ways, still have very different experience and bias’s through life. Every situation that occurs in life is viewed through 2 very different lenses and as such, you need to understand that how you view a situation is completely different to how your partner may view it. Not only that, for the most part, they won’t know this either unless you clearly communicate it.
Every situation or issue usually has 3 perspectives, your view, their view and the reality. Learning how to put ego aside to truely listen and understand your partners perspective is an absolute gamechanger!
Aimee:
Conflict has always been something that I have tried to avoid. Thought over the last few years I have come to realise that conflict either internal or external can be a great catalyst for growth.
I had always taken pride in that fact that in our relationship we don’t fight, but that’s not entirely the truth. When Seb and I are at a moment of conflict it has always been from a place of us against the problem. In recent times when I’ve felt an issue needs addressing rather than what I would have done before and jumped in anger at the issue I now know that I need to spend that time looking back at the exact root cause of the issue before coming to my partner with my frustrations.
This date was to help us look at how we are different and how we are the same, I found that very interesting as we are aware of the things that we differ on. It was great to be able to go through and highlight these differences but to also put emphasis on how those differences combined become our strength as a couple.
Lets get it on: Sex and Intimacy
How is sex still such a taboo topic in the 21st century? We are so over exposed to sex in the media but who really explains sex to us? Why is there still such a big orgasm gap between men and women? The stigma around talking about sex doesn’t get easier even in long term relationships.
For this date it suggest that you make the date as romantic and seductive as possible. We had this date at home in a candle lit room. It also specifically says for you to bring an open mind, which I feel was very necessary when being so open and exposed with your partner.
Aimee:
This area of our relationship is something that has always interested me. I have always been very open and willing to share thoughts and idea regarding sex. I also spend a lot of my free time reading about women’s health, orgasms and the orgasm gap as it fascinates me.
Sex has been such an interesting part of our relationship and now once moving in together this has been a great date to be able to have. I loved the question “What can I do to make our sex life better?” as it really allows both partners to be taking responsibility for themselves in the relationship.
I feel like as a society there really is a push for us to become more open and accepting when it comes to sex. However I feel we have such a long way to come, this starts I feel around education in schools. Hopefully then one day we will feel like we are able to openly have these conversations with not only our partners but also our friends and families too.
Seb:
Intimacy in relationships is something that I have struggled with previously, and still do. I think that I have always struggled to figure out what I do and do not like, and that is not just in relation to sex, struggled with self confidence and to truly be vulnerable. Aimee is quite the opposite in many respects to me and so it definitely has been refreshing and challenging as we grow in our relationship to learn and express myself in this area of our relationship.
I have not really figured out how my views on intimacy and sex have been formed in my younger years but for as long as I can remember, I have always been quite embarrassed and self conscious about it. I was very “frigid” in my teenage years and not overly sexually active until my later 20’s. A late bloomer. This was nothing that ever bothered me but it has stunted my sexual maturity within relationships.
Similar to Aimee’s point, there is this stigma around sex, that thing that happens behind closed doors that everyone knows goes on but we all sort of ignore and carry on without ever talking about it. This date is perfect for others who have felt the same way that I do/did. This date helps to create an environment where you can both feel comfortable enough to talk about all aspects of sex and intimacy between you and of course gives some great opened questions to guide you along.
I remember the time, before this date, Aimee first asked me what I liked and didn’t like in relation to intimacy, I was a deer in headlights. I had no real idea. I had never really thought about this or taken the time reflect on myself. I had read about the “[5 Love Languages]” and have a decent understanding of how I show and like to receive affection (which by itself is an absolute game changer). Talking about true intimacy takes a whole another level of vulnerability that I am slowly learning to communicate. For couples out there, however uncomfortable this conversation may be, I would highly recommend taking the baby steps to talk about this so that you can truly connect.
Want to keep reading about our Eight Dates: Head to Pt 2 here!
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